Attachment Parenting and Depression

Welcome to the March 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting With Special Needs

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how we parent despite and because of challenges thrown our way. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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Having a supportive partner in parenting is the best ally when dealing with depression.

This has been one of the most difficult posts for me to write. Partly because I find it hard to define how I parent while I am working through depression and partly because depression makes it difficult for me to write anything. Most days I neither want to get up nor do I want to do much of anything once I am up. When I come home all I want to do is lay on the couch or in my bed and just exist within myself. If it weren’t for one very important and demanding area of my life that is probably where you would find me – but Little Man insists on being taken care of. There is also this little nagging physical condition that insists that I get up and eat or drink – pregnancy.

I have been back and forth with depression through various stages of my life – high school, college, after Little Man’s birth and now currently while pregnant with Little #2. This current go around with depression has been the most challenging and at the same time it has been the time that I really have tried to fight for control of myself. I can’t actually curl up into a ball and forget about everything because I have someone else who needs me. Our choice to “shift-parent” forces the role of sole caretaker on me daily from 6pm to 1am and there isn’t anything I can do to avoid it. My decision to raise our son in an attachment parenting model makes it even harder to ignore my responsibilities as a parent – because I choose to respond to his needs as they arise.

Little Man in the swing he spent much of his day in before I found AP

Right as we brought Little Man home I began to feel detached from the situation.. I was having difficulty breastfeeding, I felt like a failure as a parent and it was just easier to let other people take him and leave me to be alone with the pump. Pumping round the clock did not do my mental state any justice. I would hold my son only for the time that it took to give him his bottle and then put him back in his swing, wash the bottle and repeat the pumping process. I continued to sink lower and lower into myself and missing out on most of the joys of parenting in those early days. It was only by chance that I was introduced to an article^[1] on Breastfeeding Moms Unite that got me thinking this isn’t what parenting should be.

I made the decision to find help and to work to fix what I didn’t like about my parenting with Little Man.  I finally found the resources I needed to fix my issues with breastfeeding and to bond properly with my then three month old.  The more I learned about attachment parenting, the more I learned about myself as a parent.  As I worked through those issues and realized that I had a purpose, I drifted out of my depression and into a productive relationship with my child.

Fast forward to August of this year when I found out that I was pregnant with Little #2, an addition that we desired as a family and back into depression I fell.^[2] At first I felt as if I couldn’t connect emotionally to my growing baby and the longer I let this feeling continue it began to encompass my relationship with Little Man as well. I was not giving him the same attention and authentic affection that had become the core of our relationship. This time I was more proactive in seeking help because I was already looking at my life and parenting through the lens of attachment parenting, I knew something was wrong earlier and sought help.

I’ve had to rethink my ability to be supermom and to do everything all the time. I chose not to start my treatment with medication and to try counseling first. ^[3] I began weekly counseling sessions to discuss my feelings and to realize that I did need to take care of me as well as care for Little Man and the new life I was growing. My guilt over not being able to love my children in the way that I wanted to became the focus of our sessions. I knew the parent I wanted to be, I just needed to understand how to balance my life in order to become that parent.^[4]

Attachment parenting is a choice, I can either continue to parent this way and do my best to fight the depression or I can let depression win and stop parenting in this way. I do think that attachment parenting is about more then just a parenting method. It creates an awareness of self and others. I doubt I would have recognized my need for help if I didn’t have AP as a mirror to look at myself.

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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon March 13 with all the carnival links.)

• Parenting A Child With Neutropenia — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses the challenge of parenting a young child who cannot produce enough neutrophils to fight off bacterial infections.
• How I Love My High Need Baby — Shannon at GrowingSlower was shocked to find she is parenting a high-needs baby, but she’s surviving thanks to attachment parenting.
• We’re a Lot Like You — kaidera at Our Little Acorn talks about how her family is similar to others, even with all their special needs
• The Emotional Components of Bonding with Preemies — Having a premature baby can bring on many unexpected emotions for parents, but working through those emotions can bring about a wonderful bonding experience. Adrienne at Natural Parents Network shares.
• Raising a babe with IUGR: from birth through the toddler years — Rachel at Lautaret Bohemiet shares the story of how her son’s post-birth IUGR diagnosis affected his first days of life and gave her an unexpected tutorial in advocating for their rights as a family.
• When a grandparent has a disability — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes shares how she has approached explaining her mother’s disability to her young child.
• Taking The Time To Really See Our Children — Sam at Love Parenting writes about her experiences working with children with various disabilities and how it has affected her parenting style.
• Natural Parenting In An Unnatural Environment — Julie at What I Would Tell You gives us a glimpse into how she improvised to be a natural parent against all odds.
• Getting Through the NICU — Laura at Authentic Parenting gives a few pointers on how to deal with your newborn’s stay in the NICU.
• Living With Sensory Processing Disorder — Christy at Adventures in Mommyhood talks about the challenges that can come from living with a child who has SPD.
• Our rules for NICU – March Carnival — Hannabert’s Mom shares her family’s rules for family and friends of a NICU baby.
• Letter from Mineral’s Service Dog — Erika at Cinco de Mommy imagines the letter that accompanies her special needs son’s Service Dog.
• Blessings in Unexpected Places — That Mama Gretchen welcomes an inspiring guest post from a dear friend who shares about the blessings that come from a child with Down syndrome.
• Tube Feeding with a Blenderized Diet of Whole Foods — Erica at ChildOrganics shares her experiences with using real food when feeding her daughter who was unable to feed herself and needed a feeding tube.
• Abbey and Evan — Amyables at Toddler In Tow writes about watching her preschooler play with her friend who is autistic and deaf, and wonders how she can explain his special needs better.
• How to Minimise the Chance of a {Genetically Prone} Child Being Diagnosed with ADHD — Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry shares her tips on keeping a child who is genetically prone to ADHD from suffering the effects.
• Tough Decisions: Parenting With Special Needs — Brenna at Almost All The Truth shares what has been keeping her up at night worrying, while spending her days discovering just what her options are for her precocious child.
• Life with my son — For Dr. Sarah at Good Enough Mum, life with an autistic child is just another variation on the parenting experience.
• Dear Special Needs Mama — Sylvia at MaMammalia writes a letter of encouragement to herself and other mamas of special needs children.
• His Voice — Laura at WaldenMommy relives the day her son said his first sentence.

• What is ‘wrong’ with you’ The challenge of raising a spirited child — Tara at MUMmedia discusses the challenges of raising a child who is ‘more’ intense, stubborn, and strong willed than your average child.
• Tips for Parenting a Child With Special Medical Needs — Jorje of Momma Jorje shares her shortlist of tips she’s learned in parenting a newborn with special medical needs in a guest post at Becoming Crunchy.
• Parenting the Perfectionist Child — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses that as parents of gifted children, we are in the unique position to help them develop the positive aspects of their perfectionism.
• Montessori-Inspired Special Needs Support — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now gives a list of websites and blogs with Montessori-inspired special-needs information and activities.
• Accommodating Others’ Food Allergies — Ever wonder how to handle another family’s food allergies or whether you should just skip the play date altogether? At Code Name: Mama, Dionna’s friend Kellie (whose family has a host of allergies) shares how grateful she is when friends welcome them, as well as a list of easy snacks you can consider.
• Only make promises you can keep — Growing up the child of a parent with a chronic illness left a lasting impact on Laura of A Pug in the Kitchen and what she is willing to promise for the future.
• A Mom and Her Son — Jen at Our Muddy Boots was fortunate to work with a wonderful family for several summers, seeing the mother of this autistic son be his advocate, but not in the ways she thought.
• Guest Post from Maya at Musings of A Marfan Mom — Zoie at TouchstoneZ is honored to share a guest post from Maya, who writes about effective tools she has found as a parent of two very special boys.
• You Don’t Have to Be a Rock — Rachael at The Variegated Life finds steadiness in allowing herself to cry.
• When Special Needs Looks “Normal” — Amy at Anktangle writes about her experience with mothering a son who has Sensory Processing Disorder. She offers some tips (for strangers, friends, and loved ones) on how to best support a family dealing with this particular neurological challenge.
• Special Needs: Limitation or Liberation? — Melissa of White Noise describes the beauty in children with special needs.
• How I Learned It’ll Be Okay — Ashley at Domestic Chaos reflects on what she learned while nannying for a boy with verbal delays.
• Attachment Parenting and Depression — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses how attachment parenting has helped her get a clearer image of herself as a parent and of her depression.
• On invisible special needs & compassion — Lauren at Hobo Mama points out that even if we can’t see a special need, it doesn’t mean it’s not there.
• Thoughts on Parenting Twins — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares her approach to parenting twins.
• ABCs of Breastfeeding in the NICU — Jona at Breastfeeding Twins offers tips for establishing breastfeeding in the alphabet soup of the NICU.
• Life With Michael – A Mother’s Experience of Life With Aspergers Disorder — At Diary of a First Child, Luschka’s sister-in-law Nicky shares her experience as mother to a child on the Autism Spectrum. It is filled with a mother’s love and devotion to her child as an individual, not a label.
• Raised by a Special Needs Mom — Momma Jorje shares what it was like growing up as the daughter of a mother with a handicap.
• Becoming a Special Needs Mom — Ellen at These Broken Vases shares about becoming the mother of a child with Down syndrome
• She Said It Was “Vital” — Alicia of Lactation Narration (and My Baby Sweets) discusses the conflict she felt when trying to decide whether therapy was necessary for her daughter.

1. ^[1] This particular article made me cry when I read it. Because at that time I was almost one month into motherhood and I did not have the support system that I have now. It made me look further into Melodie’s site and eventually set me on the path I am on now. ↩
2. ^[2] Depression does not make sense as to what triggers it or the times that it appears in people’s lives. ↩
3. ^[3] Not every person with depression is able to deal with their particular symptoms without the aid of medication. The important thing to remember is that you need to do what is right for you and to consult your medical professional for help. ↩
4. ^[4] I have had to realize that the parent I want to be – isn’t always possible with the reality of my daily life. I’ve had to come to terms with this and learn to love the parent that I am able to be. ↩